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Hey Ranj: My husband passed away five years ago. About two years ago, a dear friend, "David," lost his wife. David and I went on a few dates and really hit it off. He told me he loved me and always had. I have a deep affection for him. Six months after his wife passed away, we moved in together and have been living together ever since.

David and I are happy, but I would like more. I want to be married to David. At first, he asked me to give him time to deal with his loss. Then a year ago, he told me that he had made a deathbed promise to his late wife that he would not marry again. He wants to see her in the afterlife. David and I are both Christians and Christianity says there is no marriage in heaven. Even though we may see loved ones there, we wouldn't be married. David says he's working on getting past his mourning for his late wife, but I am beginning to think he may never let go of the baggage he's carrying.

I want a life with David. I want to be his wife. I am trying to be patient, but I feel he has let me down. Have you any advice for a forlorn person? -- DISTRESSED IN DAYTON 

 

Hey Distressed: David should have told you from the beginning about his deathbed promise to his wife. Why do you suppose he didn't reveal it until a year had passed. Had he told you earlier, you would have been better informed before living with him. As it stands, he is enjoying all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities, and that is unfair to you. However, you and David may have different feelings about marriage. You are aware that men are commitment phobic. Many men consider marriage as just a piece of paper whereas, women truly consider marriage to be a bond or union of two people. 

 

If it's marriage you want, you may have to do a few things to make that clear to David. Be prepared to move out. Tell David how strongly you feel about being married and give him and ultimatum. David has some important decisions to make -- and he may not make them until he feels your absence. Like the Rolling Stones said, "You don't know what you got til its gone."