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Hey Ranj: I am in a relationship with a guy who does not like to kiss. We act like an old married couple. He's not affectionate or romantic in any way at all. He'll hold my hand in public, but that's it. I think it might be because of his depression. He hasn't come out and said he's depressed, but he has admitted to me that he thinks there is something wrong with him.

 He's actually a very good boyfriend. He tells me every day that he loves me, and we never fight. We actually get along very well. Are some men just not affectionate? I need the physical part of the relationship. I'd want to be more affectionate to him, but I know he's not that type of person. My parents are not affectionate people, and they have been together for 42 years.

My boyfriend has told me that he believes that he needs counseling for his distant behavior. We have a lot in common and see each other every day, so we are definitely serious. We laugh and click in ways other than being romantic and passionate. We make great best friends. So, should I seek affection elsewhere or do you think he will come around? Is there any hope? -- Longing for some affection, Hialeah, FL

 

Hey Longing: There may be some hope, but only if your boyfriend is willing to make some behavioral changes. It is true that some people just aren't affectionate and its a personality trait. Changing parts of ones personality is extremely difficult, but it is possible. For example, I use to be a timid person and I took a class and now I am outgoing and gregarious (to an extent). Your boyfriend needs to be willing to make these changes or you need to be acceptable to his non-affectionate personality. Someone has to bend a little. If you appear to be high on his list of priorities; he should be willing to be more affectionate. It doesn't appear that a marriage without physical expression would be satisfying for you. So, it may be that you and he are destined to be the dearest of friends -- but not married. If he truly cares as much about you as you care for him, he owes it to you to attempt to become more affectionate. Maybe he should seek that counseling that he said he needs. Do not try to find physical affection somewhere else until you've let him know how you feel and give him a chance to change. If he continues to not change, then perhaps you should reconsider your relationship with him.