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HEY RANJ, HOW DO I MAKE THE TRANSITION FROM THE MARRIED LIFE TO THE SINGLE LIFE AND MEET NEW WOMAN?????HELP ME OUT BRO!!!! -JEREMY IN JOHNSTOWN, NY

Hey Jeremy,

I want you to realize that I'm writing this to you as if I don't know you, so my other readers can gain from the advice, so these tips for transitioning should work for anyone, but they may have to be a little adjusted for your situation.

Transitioning from married to single life is a bit harder than most may think. When someone loses a spouse through death, divorce, or separation that loss can be devastating. A period of mourning follows, even in the case of divorce or separation, because of not fulfilling the dreams they had for the relationship. However there comes a time when life has to begin again, and many singles feel lost in making this transition. The full time required to make this transition successfully is about a year. That is a realistic figure; some may be able to do it sooner and for some the transition may take longer.

Here is how the average person should make the transition:

1. Get to know yourself.

   When a couple has been together for a while, the choices they make on where to have dinner, how to decorate their home, their personal choice in clothing, or other decisions are usually made together. After a separation, each person may not know his or her own likes and dislikes. Take some time to try new things. Learn your favorite foods, what hobbies you enjoy, where you like to go for dining or entertainment. This can be a time of experimentation and can be enjoyable. You will find that many of the things you’ve always done may not have been your own personal choice.

2. Give yourself time.

   Therapists recommend a minimum of one year after a separation to get grounded as a person and avoid rebound relationships. A year is only a guideline. Like I said previously, some people may need longer in order to feel they have gotten themselves grounded. Be patient with yourself and don’t rush things. Rebound relationships are not fair to you or the person you rebound with. I'm not saying you can't go out and have fun; just be sure that you don't jump into any serious relationships until you are sure that you are over your ex-spouse.

3. Keep some good friends around you.

   Many newly single people join a divorce recovery group and that is the first interaction they have with others as a single person. Personally, I think just hanging with good friends will suffice. It can be helpful to find new friends you can interact with too, whether it’s a poker night, www.whydrinkalone.com, fantasy sports, book club, or whatever you like. Getting out there and getting involved with other people will help you move forward in your life.

4. Have fun.

   Life is different single but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun and fulfilling. More and more people today choose to remain single, and really enjoy the single lifestyle. They list advantages such as not having to ask someone how to spend their money, eating whenever they feel like it and not on someone else’s schedule, and simply doing as they please! Think of the good things that being single has done for you. Take time to enjoy yourself and laugh often. Laughter really is good medicine.

5. When you feel you are ready to date, take it slow and easy.

   Single people often complain that dating has changed and they don’t know the new rules. The only rules are to do what feels comfortable for you. You don’t have to conform for anyone. Be yourself and be true to yourself. Sure you can go out and mess around, but be careful that people don't get hurt; and then when your ready to settle again things should just fall into place.

By easing through the transition from being half of a couple to being single, you give yourself time to make a life that is happy and fulfilling. Be patient with yourself and you just might find you like being single!