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Hey Ranj: I have been dating the same guy for about 10 months. We get along well, laugh a lot, have the same outlook, similar goals. He says I'm his best friend.

My problem? I'm not his "type." I'm a petite blonde. He prefers chunkier women with dark hair. He says if there was one thing he could change about me, it would be for me to gain about 20 pounds. (I'm 5 feet tall and weigh 105.)

He has become "confused" a few times during the relationship, and the last time he said he needed to decide which was more important, someone he's connected with or someone who is his type. The sex is good but not earth-shattering, because my physical attributes don't do it for him. He doesn't want to rip off my clothes each time he sees me, and I thrive on that kind of lust.

He keeps coming back, and I feel like a jerk for allowing him to stay each time. I love him, but I'm unclear whether I'm selling myself short and if I deserve someone who loves me the way I am. I'm afraid if he stays with me, eventually he will want his type and leave. He's 35; I'm 28. What should I do? -- Short and selling myself short in Washington D.C.

An artist named Iri5 has definitely done something useful with her tapes. Iri5 is an artist who specializes in using non traditional media such as old books, audio cassettes, playing cards, magazines, credit cards, basically whatever he can find. She says:

"It feels great to work with strange, older materials. Things that have a mind of their own. Most everything I use has been thrown away or donated at some point. Past its prime, like some of the finest things in the world."

It's some pretty amazing stuff she does. For more info. check out this link from Noise Addicts.

Hey Ranj: I am in a relationship with a guy who does not like to kiss. We act like an old married couple. He's not affectionate or romantic in any way at all. He'll hold my hand in public, but that's it. I think it might be because of his depression. He hasn't come out and said he's depressed, but he has admitted to me that he thinks there is something wrong with him.

 He's actually a very good boyfriend. He tells me every day that he loves me, and we never fight. We actually get along very well. Are some men just not affectionate? I need the physical part of the relationship. I'd want to be more affectionate to him, but I know he's not that type of person. My parents are not affectionate people, and they have been together for 42 years.

My boyfriend has told me that he believes that he needs counseling for his distant behavior. We have a lot in common and see each other every day, so we are definitely serious. We laugh and click in ways other than being romantic and passionate. We make great best friends. So, should I seek affection elsewhere or do you think he will come around? Is there any hope? -- Longing for some affection, Hialeah, FL

 

Hey Longing: There may be some hope, but only if your boyfriend is willing to make some behavioral changes. It is true that some people just aren't affectionate and its a personality trait. Changing parts of ones personality is extremely difficult, but it is possible. For example, I use to be a timid person and I took a class and now I am outgoing and gregarious (to an extent). Your boyfriend needs to be willing to make these changes or you need to be acceptable to his non-affectionate personality. Someone has to bend a little. If you appear to be high on his list of priorities; he should be willing to be more affectionate. It doesn't appear that a marriage without physical expression would be satisfying for you. So, it may be that you and he are destined to be the dearest of friends -- but not married. If he truly cares as much about you as you care for him, he owes it to you to attempt to become more affectionate. Maybe he should seek that counseling that he said he needs. Do not try to find physical affection somewhere else until you've let him know how you feel and give him a chance to change. If he continues to not change, then perhaps you should reconsider your relationship with him.

Hey Ranj: I am a high school senior that will be graduating Dover High this spring. With graduation day fast approaching, I have some questions regarding my graduation party. Second, what is the best way to keep track of gifts and monetary gifts, so I can properly thank the gift-givers? Ranj, I have been reading your column for the past month (I am friends with "NICE GUY") and I like how you give straight forward answers. I would greatly appreciate your input on this. -- Graduating High School in Dover, Delaware   

Hey Graduating, you are the graduate so, the responsibility of the party should really be on your parents. Ask your parents if you can have two separate parties -- one for family members during the daytime (like a cook out). Give family members the benefit of the doubt, they aren't all bad if they are celebrating your graduation and especially if they are bearing gifts. Later that day, starting around the early evening you can invite your friends to come to the party. By the time the night falls many of the older relatives should have left and if any remain let them join in the party-fun.   Write what each person gives you on the card that accompanies the gift. That way, you can easily keep track of who gave what when it comes time to send thank-you notes, because it's always a nice touch to refer to the gift in your note. If you get monetary gifts don't blow that money. Use it as it is intended, towards college or your future job. Have fun at your party and please act responsible.

Hey Ranj, My mother-in-law has two family pictures of my husband and his ex-wife hanging on their living room wall. We have been married for over four years and have a 3-year-old son. He is starting to look at the pictures. We would prefer that he not find out by looking at pictures that his father was married before. (There were no children from the previous marriage.)

Hi Ranj, I’m a single girl that happens to be best friends with a guy. I share everything with “Eric”. He lives down the street and we’ve been good friends ever since community college (5 years ago). I can tell him my deepest, darkest secrets without fear of being judged. He is the first person I call when I have a bad day. I have fallen completely and totally in love with him. What happens when I realize that my best friend isn't just my best friend? What happens when I realize that it's love?

The problem is that Eric has a girlfriend and she is absolutely beautiful. He’s been seeing her for a few months now, and I will admit that I am very jealous. I can’t say anything bad about her because she seems perfect. It’s just that I’ve been friends with Eric for much longer and I feel that I deserve to be with him.

Ranj, I’m in love with Eric and I know he loves me too. How can I let him know how I feel without sacrificing our friendship? What should I do about this situation? –Deserving in Reading, PA

Hey Deserving, your situation sounds like a one of the romantic comedy from the 80’s. Unfortunately, in the real world the “deserving” person doesn’t always get the” love of their life”. Everyone has wanted someone that they couldn’t have. In your case, you just happen to have fallen in love. You should have taken your opportunity when you had it. If Eric has only been with his girlfriend for a few months, why didn’t you chase him when he was single? I think it’s because you know, as well as I do, that he really isn’t that into you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if Eric had an interest in you as a girlfriend, he would have made a move within the past 5 years you’ve been friends. You don’t have to tell him how you feel, because unless he is a total idiot, he already knows. Guys know when they are liked. We just play stupid, because most of us don’t like being mean and having to reject those that we’re not interested in. So, to save yourself some aggravation and heartache, I’ll let you know, Eric only wants to be friends with you. Your best option to find love is to find it somewhere else, because if there was a real spark, Eric would be dating you instead of his present girlfriend. So save face and save your friendship by, letting him go and just be happy for him. I’m sure Eric loves you, but I’m guessing he loves you like a sister more than like a girlfriend.

If you think that I’m wrong about Eric’s feelings, and I may be, than carefully consider what your risking if you do let him know how you feel. Remember Eric has a girlfriend and even you said that she is perfect so, don’t be so selfish and let them be happy together. If they break up for some reason, the circumstances will be different.

My advice to you is to consider pursuing someone else besides Eric. Remain friends with him and realize that it may be all you’ll ever be. If things between you change, let that change happen when you are both single. Consider Eric’s girlfriend and how unfair it would be to her if Eric was to leave her for you. You had your chance and missed it so, now you have to live with that and move on. No matter what you decide to do, always be careful with your heart.

An average redneck dinner.

Hey Ranj: My husband passed away five years ago. About two years ago, a dear friend, "David," lost his wife. David and I went on a few dates and really hit it off. He told me he loved me and always had. I have a deep affection for him. Six months after his wife passed away, we moved in together and have been living together ever since.

David and I are happy, but I would like more. I want to be married to David. At first, he asked me to give him time to deal with his loss. Then a year ago, he told me that he had made a deathbed promise to his late wife that he would not marry again. He wants to see her in the afterlife. David and I are both Christians and Christianity says there is no marriage in heaven. Even though we may see loved ones there, we wouldn't be married. David says he's working on getting past his mourning for his late wife, but I am beginning to think he may never let go of the baggage he's carrying.

I want a life with David. I want to be his wife. I am trying to be patient, but I feel he has let me down. Have you any advice for a forlorn person? -- DISTRESSED IN DAYTON 

 

Hey Distressed: David should have told you from the beginning about his deathbed promise to his wife. Why do you suppose he didn't reveal it until a year had passed. Had he told you earlier, you would have been better informed before living with him. As it stands, he is enjoying all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities, and that is unfair to you. However, you and David may have different feelings about marriage. You are aware that men are commitment phobic. Many men consider marriage as just a piece of paper whereas, women truly consider marriage to be a bond or union of two people. 

 

If it's marriage you want, you may have to do a few things to make that clear to David. Be prepared to move out. Tell David how strongly you feel about being married and give him and ultimatum. David has some important decisions to make -- and he may not make them until he feels your absence. Like the Rolling Stones said, "You don't know what you got til its gone."

Hey Ranj: My aunt broke her foot and can't drive, so I have been providing her with rides for the last month or so. The other day I took her to see her doctor about chest pains. His office was in a new, modern building, and I was impressed at the paintings, up to date magazine selection, and comfortable furniture in his waiting room. I thought to myself, "Wow, this guy must be a pretty successful doctor." His waiting room appearance gave me confidence in his ability to treat my aunt.

 

However, when she limped up to the receptionist's counter, the conversation between my aunt and the receptionist was a bit loud because my aunt is a little hard of hearing, and everyone in the waiting room could hear the answers to all the personal questions. Nothing was kept private from the waiting room audience. She tried talking softly, but the receptionist repeated her answers loudly enough that the entire room could hear them.

Ranj, medical information is supposed to be confidential. Had one of the patients demanded personal information from the receptionist, she probably would have refused to answer. Because it was for medical records, my aunt felt like she had to answer the questions she was asked. It not only embarrassed her, it also put her in a vulnerable position for identity theft.

Shouldn't medical office personnel be more careful to guard the confidential information of the patients? -- Indignant in Itasca, Illinois

 

Hey Indignant: I work at a medical office and I can tell you that there are suppose to be laws in place to protect patient privacy. The Health Insurance Portability and Accountably Act of 1996 (HIPAA) has privacy regulations and demands compliance of these regulations by all healthcare providers. So, yes, absolutely, care should be taken in keeping medical information confidential, and the receptionist was out of line and not complying with the HIPAA rules. Your aunt should have smiled and said, "That information is confidential. I'll answer your questions in a private area or on paper." Then, when she saw the doctor, she should have reported her complaint, which probably would have been a favor for all the patients. Since your aunt did not report this problem of confidentiality by the receptionist, someone else should speak to the doctor and let him or her know what is going on at the receptionist window. It is the doctor's responsibility to ensure that his/her employees comply with the HIPAA protocol and protect patients' privacy.

This guy's name is Lucky Diamond Rich. He may not be lucky, have diamonds, or rich, but he's a nice guy so don't judge him just because he looks like a monster.

I would have answered advice, but it was a long day today.